Trying to get back to that ‘good place’ – it’s like me with a Rubik cube!

Unsurprisingly following on my post ‘Treading Water‘ a few weeks ago, I fell back into my inevitable depression for a weekend, then got a few days respite before it returned again in patchy intervals.

For now, it seems to be lingering in the background once more and I feel I once again have a certain control over – I feel more stable.

How did I manage that though?

What magical technique did I use to get my depression back under rein?

No idea.

In other news, my boyfriend loves Rubik cubes (He has at least about 10 different ones – 2 of which he has now gifted to me).

Now I like to think of this conundrum of knowing how to tackle your depression much like the unsolved Rubix cube my boyfriend handed me at the beginning of the week and my attempts to solve it.

There are a lot of different moves I can make – things that should technically help solve the puzzle (or depression).

But I have no idea what I’m doing.

Which of the many moves should I make, what order should I make them to get all the same colours on one side of the cube?

What combination of distraction, self-discipline and self-care should I use to bring the real me to the forefront of my head again and force my depression back into it’s chest in the dark recesses of my mind?

(if you hadn’t guessed already I like imagery a lot when dealing with my mental health 😉 )

The answer is – I have no idea.

So I just keep spinning the cubes in a random order until something right happens. That can take a day. It can take a week. It can take a month.

(You get the idea)

Sometimes its easier than others though – sometimes I’ve solved the cube (reined in my depression) quite recently – so when it fails, I remember some of those random moves I made.

I’ll try them again – guess what, more often than not I solve that cube again because I was only a few moves out of place.

If I leave it too long to try and tackle that cube – if I let the depression take hold for too long before I try to tackle it again – that cube becomes more mixed up and I’m back to trying aimless moves in the hope of seeing even the smallest positive come from them.

My point?

Its impossible to know how to solve the puzzle without picking it up and giving it a go – its impossible to tackle your depression without actually squaring up to it and trying to take a few swings even if they completely miss

(Also bare in mind that one person’s rubix cube solution is not another’s -the combination of techniques and self care that helps your depression might not have the same effect on someone else!)

What moves do you think will most likely help you? May it can help someone else, so leave them below in the comments.

This is a safe place x

P.S. This analogy is all null and void for me now (haha) because my boyfriend taught me the algorithm for the Rubix cube and I’ve memorised it, so I can complete a cube with randomly spinning the sides in vain.

Still helpful though hopefully? haha


Treading Water

*Warning of mentions of depression and anxiety*

Oil Canvas, Woman Treading Water, 2004, Eric Zener

Where am I right now? (Mentally.)

I’m ok.

I still have my depression. I still have my anxiety. They’re my buddies that always keep me company.

But they don’t have to be loud.

(And you know what? They’re not my buddies – more on that in a different post though…)

The reason that I’m no longer curled up in a ball on my bed – bawling my eyes out for what seems to be no apparent reason – and on the phone to my mum who doesn’t have the slightest clue what to do with me?

Who knows! – Maybe it’s my antidepressants? Hormonal changes? My friends checking up on me when I’m vulnerable? My boyfriend being supportive? Random changes of heart?

I don’t know. I’m just thankful. Thankful I’m not going through that roller coaster of emotions and strong, over-welling waves of emotions which didn’t seem at all logical.

Thankful that life no longer feels like a heavy burden with no hope.

Continue reading “Treading Water”

History Lesson

*Warning – mentions of depression, anxiety, eating disorders*

So its a common piece of advice to not keep your mind in the past.

I try not to – I’m a constant worrier of things past, present and future – but I find occasionally looking back a good thing. To remind myself how far I’ve come.

I want to briefly go over my past mental health experiences just so you know how qualified (or in fact not qualified) I am to be giving any advice or anecdotes.

Lets start with a brief list of my current mental health issues:

  • Anorexia
  • Depression
  • Anxiety
  • Binge Eating Disorder
  • Low Self-esteem (does this count?? – I believe its the root of all my problems)
Continue reading “History Lesson”

Hi, I’m Meo

Yep. Meo. That’s me.

Of course, it’s not my real name. Instead it’s a nickname that has followed me ever since I was a child and my  brother blessed upon me that nickname after failing to be able to pronounce my actual name.

But that has very little to do with this blog.

No, this blog is actually to do with my mental health. My depression. My anxiety. My low self-esteem. My eating disorder(s).

I want a place to write about my experiences and thoughts on my mental health and maybe, just maybe, I can help someone with them. (if anyone ever bothers to visit!)

So that’s what I plan to do.

Firstly, I do a brief history of what I’ve been through.

Thanks for reading!

Leave me a comment if you want! Introduce yourself, I’d love to say hi!

This is a supportive place! x